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September 17 Connections I've wanted to update my blog for a while, but times are either too pressing, too private or seemingly too insignificant. I wonder what in my life will change with my transition out of perpetual student-hood and into adulthood in all its gloriousness and seriousness? I wonder what in my life will remain as it has been? And I wonder which among the things in my life that shift or that stay will delight me? Disappoint me? Also, I've really and truly sucked at making girl-time lately. I feel like I have no girlfriends outside of my wonderfully obligated roommates. I have armies of beautiful and interesting girls that are fantastic acquaintances. I just lack the social courage and prioritizing abilities to capitalize on those relationships. But I *need* girl time!! For the next five weeks though, it feels like any time that is taken away from school is time that I've stolen illegally and will suffer dearly for. I hate living in guilt and fear, but such is the life of a nursing student. If you've actually wandered on to this blog within the last number of months, I apologize for my absence. Love Jill  Listening to: "Cape Breton" - David Myles Looming back-of-my-mind thoughts: Sore throat = maybe sick?, Learning goals for this week in school Wanting: time to banjo it up. Needing: sleep. May 05 Two Years Today I just had a lovely photo walk with Jeremy (jumping off of things, climbing trees, being goofy/sweet), then dined at LaRonde and had dessert at Death by Chocolate! What a perfect way to celebrate our 2 year dating anniversary. I'm very happy right now. April 26 Done Year Three I am now done my third year of Nursing at the University of Alberta! 3/4 of the way toward being in the real world, making real money, having real responsibilities - and hopefully not being really fearful of making many mistakes. In a few ways, I'm really excited. It feels like it's been a long time coming, and I can't wait to really feel useful and skillful (how many times have I used some form of the word "real" in this post so far?) But then again, I don't know how prepared I am. I don't know how equipped or apt I am. I kind of want to put off the real world indefinitely. This summer brings my first exposure to 12 hour day/night shifts, the emergency department, and a paycheck that pays for more than just living during the summer. I should be stoked, right? And I am. I also feel just a little bit scared and a little bit behind the pack. A friend of mine got married this weekend, and while I would have loved to have been able to attend, it got me thinking. . . out of our little pack of 4, there are three married girls and me. Three graduated, working, married ladies. I certainly don't feel like I need to rush anything, but I think about my complaints and worries and issues and I think of all the people I know that just aren't in the same stage of life anymore, and I wonder who to turn to with some of my stories and frustrations. I know there are still tonnes of people in school, so I'm not sure why I focus on those who aren't - I'm only 23. I made the graduates for this year cupcakes that I will be delivering tomorrow during church. I was glad to bake, and glad to bake for their achievements. I've been playing a little bit with Jeremy's XTi, and I should post a photo or two that I took of Jordan (my brother) while Jeremy was teaching him guitar. It was fun to quietly sit to the side and play photographer. You should check out Niki and Nathan's photos. October 14 The World On Hold The 'real world' really isn't going to be on hold for much longer. I won't have the typical year-and-program response to the eternal question "so what do you do?" but instead some scary hospital jargon to reply with - "oncology nursing" or "obstetrics" or something like that. I've been in my current role or stage for a while, and it's gotten comfortable and semi-routine. A year and a half until a pretty big shake up in routine (or at least a significant shift in routine and responsibility). Huh. What will need to change or grow in me to help me adequately prepare for this shift? Maybe it's not so monumental or crazy as it seems from this side of things, but good gravy I don't feel ready. I'll let you know what it's like on the other side when I get there. I know what I don't want it to look like - time to formulate what I would like to see in me, and start/continue to work toward that now. {Please, God, take that control from me. You've got a way better picture of maturity, importance, and worth than I will ever have. I don't want to prioritize money over all else, or self-propagation to the detriment of others.} Peace. s September 09 Autumn in its GloryThere is a faint perfumed note in the air that would tell me fall has arrived, and would do so even if the turning leaves, commencement of classes, and kick-off at McKernan Baptist Church hadn't alerted me to the fact already. As with every new school year, my head is a whir of wishes and worries. Here's what's new around the corner (for my far-away friends):
August 07 Out of Service [kinda]Just a short apology to any of you who are so kind as to check up on me and see if I have penned any new thoughts on the 'web. The mind has been whirring with the occasional thought. I'll try to post soon. May 23 NonsenseSo recently I've been accused by a dear friend of mine of being a non-blogger. At first I wanted to be defensive and come up with excuses for having stayed away from this form of thought-purging or, if you'd prefer, sharing. I think what I ended up saying was that I was too busy reading and learning to spend time writing thoughts here. True as this might be, hearing my answer to this question gave rise to further questions: why does it bug me when I feel I have nothing of true depth or relevance to share here? Why does it irk me whenever I read that the last time I have written is more than 3 or so weeks ago? I think the answer is that I am by nature a bit of a selfish creature that wants to uphold this image of my blog being so engrossing and captivating that my friends would creep into the corners of my journal and soak up any bit of information or emotion that reveals a further piece of myself. I really shouldn't be this self-absorbed. So my favourite times are when I can get over myself and write aimlessly, less concerned with what others might think of myself, and more concerned that I experience the occasional growth that would periodically spur me to rave or rage through my writings here or elsewhere. If I post fluff once in a while, so be it. All of that being said, I actually have a few thoughts to share (wow!): - I read this delightful article about a man who was raised Hindu, educated among Muslims, and found Christ in adulthood. He is a businessman who has run for mayor of London, and yet he remains quite humble and satisfied to have influence in a more indirect manor. His heart is for the hopeless, the homeless, and the penniless. Rather than focusing on this man's merits, I'd rather discuss shortly his point of view on Christ. He came to understand Christ as an eternal guru who paid his karmic debt; reading along, it became clear that he did not negate any truths about my Saviour, but instead understood him in a different cultural light. It was humbling to read his account of his first interactions within a North American Christian church, and I am reminded that it is important to accept each believer, being sensitive to their values and willing to learn from a fresh perspective. [Article here] - Sometimes you just don't regret stupid ideas. My recent example: careening down the Pembina river in a Walmart-quality rubber raft when it's cold enough out to hail briefly during the post-rafting picnic. - A week ago I was at Bonanza at the North end. So the waitress takes everyone's orders for drinks and then asks politely how old the little girl is at the end of the table. Ahem. That little girl was 21.5 years old, thank you very much . . . - Along those lines, I'm developing a slight fear that I will forever look 15 until I wake up one day and look 40. Is it so wrong to want to look like a sexy 20-something for a little while? - I think I have just under 10 books "on the go" right now. Now I know why I've never taken this approach to reading before. Every time I pick one up, I have to read back almost a chapter to remember what's going on. Gah. - Two weeks until I'm back in the Bay for Cheryl's wedding! I don't know when it'll stop being slightly strange watching my high school and college friends marry and have children. Maybe one day I'll recall that I had previously felt that young, and it will make me feel old. Hmmm. It'll also be strange being in a town that I might not visit ever again, depending on my father's job status. - I really wish I didn't like facebook. That is all. Listening to: "Something Like Laughter" Five Iron Frenzy Wearing: Jeans, white ae hoodie, black vest, and ealier today, mittens *note the date!* Thinking about: Bed, and how I wish there was less resistance and spring to my keyboard keys, so that I could type much more quickly. Praying for: The best job for Dad, and that he won't be bored out of his mind during the evenings in Lloydminister. May 16 Float onSo I think the whole being vulnerable and honest thing is an excellent idea, but those thoughts might not be best on the world wide web. Instead, some [very] surface thoughts from life lately: - It is good to see someone return from a situation that is unhealthy and welcome the open arms of friends. It's good to have the opportunity to practise being that very type of friend. - Our basement flooded, and I have become suddenly thankful for both roommates that are slow to anger, and for landlords that are quick to act. Not to mention a roof over my head in face of the rising amount of working homeless, rising rent across the city, and a decrease in available places to rent. - It's easy to ignore what you can't see until you stare in its ugly face. This is applicable to a lot more than our little unwelcome house guest which I think I will name Edwardo (a mouse). I'll spare you the analogy, but the little guy was good for something I guess. Now that he's served his purpose, though, I would kindly like him to skedaddle or die. - I concur with my good friend Matt when he says that it is good to celebrate with those who celebrate and mourn with those who mourn. Being largely self-centred on bad days (heck, maybe even on the best of days), it'd be easy to try to turn others' happy moments or sad moments into something about me. Instead, congratulations to all my newly engaged friends. - Apparently "google" is now officially recognized as a verb. How powerful we masses can be. April 04 I'm Still HereMaybe I've been far too busy living an amazing life to have kept my friends updated online. Or, I've been submersed in the world of homework and working for a living. Truth of the matter is that winter weighs me down and I don't feel like expending energy on anything that involves things like thought . . . and effort . . . Anyway, it's still snowing, so I'm still less than inclined to type out thoughts. But apparently I missed the entire month of March. I owe you (whether you want it or not) a few thoughts. Blame it on the snow; they'll be in point form.
February 24 To Know and be KnownFound this in my journal a while back: It's funny, but sometimes I think I desperately fear honesty: honest feedback from friends, an honest interpretation of a command in Scripture, an honest assessment of what days lie ahead. I like to ignore situations, residual habits, willful sin, and think that the absence of criticism in these regards must mean that I am doing okay. If no one tells me that I am doing ___ wrong, maybe it's just not so bad. And then I can work on changing it before it becomes something I really need to work on, before it is something so bad that people take notice and begin to talk . . . it's as if I have some backward philosophy impressed upon my heart: if I'm not being reproached, I am living the life of a good Christian girl. Obviously this was not the message my heart was intended to get. Though I normally find the sayings on the board outside my church to be cheesy at best, the current message is "character is what you are in the dark." Well, humans don't have the best night-vision, and what I am in the dark is largely an unknown to any of my brothers or sisters in Christ. One cannot reproach me for something they have no idea I'm doing. So it really doesn't follow that one who is not being chastised is living a good and upright life. Appearances are far less than everything- God looks beyond appearances and it is he that I should be concerned with glorifying.. .. .. Moreover, God is truth. He wants me to be open, to be truthful, honest with him. Perfection has never been a prerequisite for his love and changing power. Openness and a recognition of my broken and helpless state has always been a prerequisite for change. Funny how often I will swing that around in my mind. "I can't be this helpless, broken person. I must be good. How could God ever use me if I am not good?" Additionally, why has correction from other people been something that I fear horribly? Why do I desire for there to be elephants in my midst, ignored and by no means growing smaller in the silence and passing time? I should covet that kind of input from people I love and respect. Transparency also allows for accountability and encouragement. I need to be, then, honest with God (to allow change), honest with my fellow Christians (to facilitate accountability in change), and lastly: honest with me. I have this incredible ability to deceive myself. If I know I will have difficulty adhering to something I have read, or have been told, or know within myself that I must do or follow, I suppress that from coming to my conscious mind and try not to think about it lest I feel convicted. How backward is that? In the Bible, I believe it is James who speaks of reading the word and not acting on it as looking in a mirror and walking away and immediately forgetting what you look like. I discover a piece of broccoli in my teeth, and instead of removing it, I decide to think of it as non-existent. To push back the thought of seeing broccoli in my teeth so that the broccoli doesn't bother me anymore. The problem never really went away. I had the tools to address it. But I, time and again, choose to leave the tools unused and continue on, green-teeth and all, pretending that my ignorance excuses my problems. Read today: Henri Nouwen "In the Name of Jesus" Listening to: Waking Ashland - "All Hands on Deck" Craving: Sausage. Could have something to do with the fact that Hayley is cooking some as I speak. Needing: More of this reading/reflecting stuff. The best thing for me on a low self-esteem day. Looking forward to: Helping Hayley with her Sunday School Mission Impossible stuff tonight. February 04 Table TalkSo I find that a lot of my energy is spent on school, and that little bit of free time that I get is spent with Jeremy, talking with my family on the phone, and taking care of the small unignorable realities of life (bills, cleaning, eating, showering, reading, sleeping). This is why I love nights like tonight. Dennys. 5 friends and me, overly large meals, and talk of all things pertaining to the faith that we profess and the life that we live. Getting to know people's hearts, what's real to them, what's important and lasting. Really getting to see what's there, instead of what's stuck within the weekday time frame (Who are you? A student. No, who are you? Oh, a nursing student. NO, who ARE you? Oh, hi. I'm Jill.). Kitchen Table. 3 friends. Talk of growing up, of children, songs, self-perception and inhibitions. I love table talk. What happens on weekends- when time is not an enemy to relationship. I think sometimes I forget how much I love people beyond just myself. I don't mean this to sound deep or impactful, as I'm not so sure that it is. All I know is that getting to talk about passionate life is like breathing a little differently and I like it. I'm very happy to have sacrificed a few hours of sleep tonight. January 18 Whiddled downI hope I never get too old to keep some sort of journal of my thoughts. I hope that I never become too important, too distracted, too busy, or too boring to bring an imaginary audience (or in the case of blogs, untold 10s or 100s of people) a glance at my moments of epiphany. Even if in reality the moments of epiphany are more moments of inconsequential thought.
This though, seems to be slowly and sadly realized when I head into the clinical setting and say bye-bye to recreational thought.
Like right now-
I must go continue my homework. December 17 Maybe Lists are Childish. But they're fun.Christmas Wish List! While Christmas is all about the birth of my Saviour Jesus Christ, and not about Jill receiving lots of stuff, I still enjoy making lists, especially of things that I like! Whee. So, I'll keep this to 20 items:
November 25 Your TurnOkay folks!
Respond and Tell me:
Just curious! Thanks tonnes! ::JiLL;; Feeling: Bored, kinda. The drone of the copier is competing with my Pandora tunes, and I don't really enjoy the repetative clicks and sliding noises. I've gone through 2000 sheets already, and I think I'm 1/4 of the way through my copying. Grr. Desiring: To be home cleaning my room. It is still a disaster from last weekend, when I was stuck in there working on a paper for far far too long. Loving: The idea of Christmas tunes and Christmas lights as soon as I get the chance! November 02 Self-ImagerySo, for those of you who don't know-- I am a girl. A human of the female persuasion. There are many ideas- some social, some biological, some psychological- as to what this means. There are many ideals when it comes to women, too. We like to complain about them a great deal, though if I was honest I buy into a lot of it. I'll wear things because I like to feel pretty, I'll comb my hair in the morning because I don't like the thought of people staring into a tangly mass and thinking ill of me. I don't know that there's anything wrong with loving (a partially socially defined) femininity. But there has to come a point where there becomes something sickening about defining "pretty"- something unnatural and something that drives women to distort what is God-given to what is world-loved. I have observed a few different things lately that have made me think about this more intently(being a gal, I think periodically about my distinct womanly status): 1) of course, the prevalence of pornography, or even 'soft-porn' in western society. I realize that this has much to do with the sin nature of mankind, but I can't help but notice the over-representation of the thin and well endowed on the cover of magazines in corner stores. I'm really sad that these images are being pumped into and branded on the minds of men everywhere. 2) Equally guilty: womens' mags. Must every magazine proclaim the wonders of ___ for reducing ___ on your imperfect body? Even though the above article flouts the drivel of female-targeted zines, a magazine that the same article uplifts as feminist in nature still contains links to such websites as (these deserve a point of their own): 3) Products widely marketed to "fix" us, to augment what we've got. 4) This video should be required viewing for anyone who picks up, looks through, or even glances at a fashion magazine or billboard. I think I want to look more into this campaign. I like it so far. It's tough for me to be solid in an opinion about what is appropriate to be upset about, and what is not. If two shirts in front of me are in all other things equal, I will choose the one that best flatters my body shape. If I have the choice between make-up and not, I'll often opt for a bit of powder and blush. I admire one of my roomies who puts such little stock in these things and really dislikes getting gussied up. However even she has a fantastic collection of shoes. We all have a sense of what we consider attractive or unattractive (and that's okay), but it strikes me as so inherently wrong to seek to change the very face of beauty into something inconsistent with the women who make up the population you see everyday. Watch that 'evolution' video that I linked to above. It makes me want to cry- I believe the woman was gorgeous before she even sat down in front of the camera. In response to my previous entry, (which elicited zero response from my imagined reading audience. . . kind of funny considering what I had submitted as my greatest fear within that entry) Jeremy so kindly suggested that I, in an effort to unapologetically submit a work of beauty to the public realm, take several pictures of myself. No deletions, no alteration. And post the products of my 5-minute photo session. Without explanation about why certain pics are less than flattering or bad pictures. I've yet to take him up on this offer (batteries dead in camera, too lazy to charge them), but I will, in the interim, leave you with a picture of me sans alteration. I am beautiful because I am a unique reflection of my Father in Heaven. I am his handiwork and far be it from anyone to tell me otherwise. October 26 Terrifying WhiteI have a slight fear of creating anything. Blank pages, whether they be in a journal, a sketchbook, or an online blog, present something terrifying (but desirable) to me. The first scratches of graphite onto a page bound to my sketchbook are very hesitant, and this because I intrinsically doubt my ability to create something of worth. Anything that I create and submit to the public eye is an avenue for criticism. Not that I fear criticism. Actually, I don't think a comment on where I could improve myself would be all that unwelcomed. What I fear more than that is being someone who speaks words that do not elicit a response. I don't like the idea of being unimpactful. If I draw something, I would like my abilities to be worthy of comment, and if not my talents, at least the subject which I chose to objectify and encapsulate in a sketch. If I share musings or the tormented process of some stretching mental activity, I would rather hear opposition or echoed sentiment than an echoing silence. I took a sketchbook with me today, very excited about the prospect of being able to create something my own again. I haven't done this for some time. However it is the end of the day and I haven't been able to put anything to paper. I hope to remedy this soon. I think I need to be a bit easier on myself and just make something. Anything. And really be okay with it being terrible. I shouldn't feel the need to explain away imperfection, because I'm not perfect and I can't expect to grow as an artist without being stretched. I need to do more than stare into the whiteness and get locked into some bizarre snow-blinded trance. A challenge I could, should, and I think will present to myself is this: no destruction of art. If i draw something in the sketchbook, there will be no ripping out of pages. There will be no apologizing or dancing around bad drawings. There will be no verbal defense against compliments (down-playing what is done well). I did this a while back with my poetry; the "notepad" program on my computer (you know, that little word processor that no one uses because it has no features) now has over 200 poems saved in its folder. Some of it is horrid, and some I'm actually quite partial to. when I first started typing out what I thought, I would delete a work the minute it was completed. I decided some time ago that I would stop allowing this- I have a no-deletion rule with myself and I'm glad for it now. I can trace my ideas, my frivolousness, my epiphanies back as far as my little .txt files will take me. I can see growth, emotion, ranting. Honesty- a good mirror into me. And really, why am I so proud and self-seeking that I feel a need to be continually seen as profound? My personal growth with God should be evident in how I live out my life and relate to people. If what I type up on the world wide web seems a bit irrelevant or uninteresting, I've harmed no one. At worst I've wasted maybe 3 minutes of a person's time, and they won't visit my blog again. I like to organize my thoughts. I like to be silly. I like to think up serious answers to ridiculous questions that nobody by myself would ever bother to ask. Hopefully though, when I'm done getting over my fear of blank pages (hoping its not a crippling fear this week- I'm sharing some of my poetry at C&C for the Worship Cafe) I can turn away from my little project and take note of the beautiful things that others are creating, intentionally or inadvertently. I think that art is only really relevant when it is created with a context broader than the insular mind of the artist. Interaction can be blissful or painful, but we're only really interesting when we're interested in others, I believe. Life is artful. Beautiful thing recently: A friend teaching me to stop hating grey days and go jump in a puddle. other irrational fear: watching the minutes change on a digital alarm clock. thoughts in my jumbled mind: Mirrors feed self-centric attitudes but also provide valuable information pertaining to necessary change. I want to be relevant in society. Books are good. Blank pages are opportunity. This is also good. I need to do my laundry. discovery: I have an interesting new physiological response to stress/panic. I don't like it. currently: lying on my bedspread (which is brown with white polka-dots), loving that it's 1:18 am and I'm not crying for sleep. October 17 (very) brief thoughtYou know what? I often just forget that I need Jesus. It's common, but it's terrible. I want to be reminded often, but at the same time I'd rather just remain ignorant- because the reminder often takes the form of my sin being flung in my face. To know my need for Jesus often takes getting to know myself; that's something that can be so unpleasant. The hardest prayer for me to pray, but the most rewarding, has always been for God to reveal "any unright way within me." But because it is perpetually true that I need Jesus, I want that truth to be perpetually before me, and I want my salvation from my sin to be always a joyful thing. I hate to see people shrouded with this unshakeable shame over who they are, their secret selves... how easy it is to just get trapped there. Ugh. Maybe I'll expand some other time, but I need to finish assignments and sleep because the morning brings another 12 hr shift in hospital.
::js:: October 05 Finally- the unmotivation needed to blogMy lack of motivation to complete a relatively simple assignment has compelled me to make a listing of A) my current status (haven't been doing that lately-- Jer's space reminded me of that old practice. I'd like to pick it up again) and B) my current string of thoughts. Feel free to comment on any of the items be they comment-worthy.
Listening- to somebody bumbling around in the kitchen. I'm guessing Hayley but I can't be sure. Too tired to go out and check who it is. Aiming- to pick up my pencils and sketchbook again this weekend Avoiding- very very simple assignment that I really do not feel like completing. I should go do that now. . . Reading- Hebrews September 24 RemedyMy boyfriend has astutely noted that I have little mention of him on my space, though I have complained of his lack of mention of me on his. So, I will brag about him for a moment. Feel free to discontinue reading if this disinterests you: Ahem. Jeremy is funny and handsome and faithful and caring and generous and laid-back and intelligent and affectionate and a good listener and a good cook and has a hot motorcycle. That oughta do it. Actually, he has many more desireable traits, but I have a feeling a public list of positive attributes wasn't exactly what he was looking for when he mentioned my hypocrisy in complaining about my absence from his blog and pictures  .Heehee. Actually, I'm having a lot of fun and do feel very blessed to be in this relationship, so Jer does deserve some mention here. Toodles August 28 Slimy and oh so goodIt is so true that Jesus is my ever-present help in times of trouble, my rock in the storm.
The problem is that sometimes I forget that rocks along the side of an ocean in a storm aren't really all that comfortable and cozy. They're still rocks- craggy, sharp, dirty, slimy rocks, with the waves crashing down over them. In stormy weather they are nearly perpetually wet and uncomfortable.
But a rock in a storm provides necessary safety, and it can mean everything in that instant when the sea is beating against the shore.
I'm reading Philip Yancey's "Disappointment with God" right now, and reflecting on some of the earlier pages of the book, I find it can be interesting what happens when I try to impose my own expectations on God. I'm left clinging to a solid rock in a storm, complaining because the person beside me got to land on the grassy patch just by the cliff.
I'm exploring a lot of issues right now, and it's fun. But my brain is turning much more quickly than I can type, which is making it difficult to recount any ideas at all. So for now, adieu, bon soir.
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