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日志
    4月24日

    Disillusionment & Enlightenment

    God loves me despite knowing me.
     
    Despite knowing my tendencies to be like a dog bounding to and fro off the master's path, and in spite of understanding the workings of my so-human mind. I'm doubly encouraged by interactions with two women of God in the past two days. The first, assuring me that in my weakness and despair I am fully known. The second, when I reached the realization that this passage is both comforting and challenging beyond belief, assuring me that though I am known, I am loved completely. She shares with me a passage of a book that has meant quite a bit to her, and I will share a small excerpt of that which particularly impacted me on this day:
    There is tremendous relief in knowing that his love to me is utterly realistic, based at every point on prior knowledge of the worst about me, so that no discovery now can disillusion him about me, in the way I am so often disillusioned about myself, and quench his determination to bless me.
    --JI Packer, Knowing God, p 42
    I am disillusioned with myself when I consider the ills that I am capable of that I had not recognized until recently. It is a humbling experience to come to know one's self. It is scary to face myself, and it becomes exceedingly difficult to ask that God would make known my heart. But I do desire it so- to know what I am and what I am meant to be. Funny, but in my last blog I find that "Jill needs to meet the person she is destined to become;" I think that God is revealing that person to me in bits in pieces, and I find that I have much growing up to do.
     
    I am happy that I do see progress as well as many areas of immaturity. And perhaps it requires a level of depth and maturity to identify areas of weakness and needed improvement.
     
     
    17:41 | 添加评论 | 阅读评论 (2) | 固定链接 | 写入日志
    4月22日

    Wants and Needs

    So I Google the phrase "Jill needs" in an attempt to discover what might fill my deepest desires of life. Google knows everything, after all. Here are my discoveries:

    • *Jill needs Jack*

    • Jill needs counseling to help her heal her childhood wounds and to learn to cope

    • Jill needs his help in making her first real hit, as her targets always seem to die by accident before she can shoot them

    • Jill needs to be the "war chief" in this matter

    • Jill needs to mind her own business. Jill needs someone to cut to the chase. Jill needs a single man for her plans, and why not pick one who is as desperate as she

    • I agree that Jill needs a man....and at this point ANY man will do.

    • Jill needs the Geek Squad.

    • Jill needs a man in her life so she can quit giving everyone a hard time

    • Jill needs to learn that it's normal for someone to have a bad day, ... But there are times when Jill needs to evaluate her relationship with Jack,

    • Jill needs to get out of Iraq before American Bush agents murder her!

    • Jill needs your help, and Jill feels vulnerable.

    • Jill needs to wake up and smell the emotional abuse. Jill needs to keep her trap shut about things she knows NOTHING about

    • Jill needs to act quickly, if only to discover bodies the killer has left about the premises

    •

      Jill needs a job. Jill needs a storyline. Jill then needs a man.

    • Jill needs to get off her dead *** and get a job!

    • Jill needs to find a new dating agency

    • Jill needs to climb a 4000 ft mountain (or higher)

    • Jill needs an emergency hysterectomy

    • Jill needs to be aware that she should be seen not only by a gynecologist but also by a urologist

    • Jill needs a little de-programming as she's become more than a sympathizer to her captors agenda. In listening to her speak, she sounds smitten.

    • Jill needs her over on her blog. She's got aphids

    • Jill needs help with subject-verb agreement.

    • Jill needs to get her head out of that Harlequin novel and try dating a real person for once. Her idealization of romance and love is unrealistic

    • Jill needs to find her own man so that you and Jen can get back to nature, if you know what I mean

    • Jill needs to go to Bible Study

    • Jill needs to stop playing in her momma's makeup!

    • Jill needs to escape this cesspool of a city and she needs to do it fast! Otherwise, she too will become a zombie.

    • Jill needs to meet the woman she's destined to become

    • Jill needs to lose weight before her winter holiday in Noosa, so that she won't feel embarrassed lying on the beach in her swimwear

    • Jill needs anger management

    • Jill needs to lie

    • There's only one solution to all this: Jill needs a boyfriend. Or a girlfriend.

      • Jill needs blood every day

    • Jill needs hugs

    • but obviously, Jill needs to grow up some more

    • Jill needs to 'get a backbone.'

    So that's an awfully large list- I better get on top of this. Anyone got a hug for me?

    16:19 | 添加评论 | 阅读评论 (1) | 固定链接 | 写入日志
    4月21日

    Happiness & Disaster

    I treated myself today! And also discovered you can barter at CD stores. The CD's I purchased:
     
    Iron & Wine- Our Endless Numbered Days
    Iron & Wine- The Creek Drank the Cradle
    Dispatch- Silent Steeples
    Xavier Rudd- Solace
    KT Tunstall- Eye to the Telescope
    Stabilo- Happiness & Disaster
    Elliot Brood- Tin Type
    Sufjan Stevens- Illinois
     
    all for pretty cheap. Buuttt now there are still so many CDs I want... I never should have gotten myself into Pandora! And I can't find The Honourary Title on sale anywhere. Grr. And they were sold out of Jose Gonzalez.
    14:34 | 添加评论 | 固定链接 | 写入日志
    4月20日

    I Stand Alone (my non-relationship blog)

    So far Hayley, Matt, Jeremy, Tyler, and Rob have all tackled the enormous topic of relationships in their blogs, from friendships and acquaintences to finding love. I haven't touched the thing. Wanna know why?
     
    I don't think I do this relationship thing very well. When I follow my own advice I end up in places that I never thought were on the map I drew for myself. So here's my non-relationships blog.  I guess there's one thing I've learned lately that i think will stand the test of time: it's better to be brutally honest than to attempt to preserve another's feelings by being vague or aloof. Beyond that, I don't know. I'm personally considering ditching all guy friends in favour of a purely female social group to make life easier :D.
     
    At least then I don't need to worry about sharing any of my stuff or other silly things people in relationships have to be concerned about.
     
            What's that Hayley? Sure you can borrow that shirt.
     
    Anyway, good luck with figuring all of that stuff out. Just be aware that we're all allowed to make mistakes. If we weren't, I'd be sorely out of luck. And while you're busy theorizing and philosophying, I'll be eagerly waiting to read every word.
     
    Listening to: Tom Waits- "Ol' 55"
    Eating: Red delicious apple
    Loving: My new bedframe! My three years of sleeping on a twin matress on the floor are over
    Hating: cleaning impeding my outside time
    Recent accomplishment: throwing around a softball with 5 different people in the last week!!
    22:29 | 添加评论 | 阅读评论 (1) | 固定链接 | 写入日志
    4月13日

    ~> A Stranger Spring <~

    It never fails-
    this time of year always brings an odd mixture of excitement, animation and hysteria. The weather becomes capricious, my schedule fills to the point of making me well up with tears, and then drops off, leaving me with a wide open sky in front of me. There's a small window of time, the season of summer, when it feels like everything and anything can happen. Summer becomes synonymous with freedom, opportunity, and change.

    I think it's that last word- change- that makes the word hysteria fit my description of the season's edge. Simply put, change is scary. It seems that all change that I am faced with I am left grateful for in the end, but as it comes I find myself journalling in a fury to make sense of what evades me. I stand with my flip flops in hand, trying to stabilize the smile on my face as through my head races worst-case scenarios of summer. Friendships failing, jobs exhausting, money depleting, but mostly that first thing; mostly it's the thought of people I care about disappearing. I don't know what has brought me to fear that so much.

    And so it's almost Easter, and that's something I love to see come along, because it's the biggest constant in my life: my precious Saviour. Prepare for a cliched picture but he's my rock in an ever-changing tumultuous sea, my stronghold. A Victor over death, Lord over creation, Master! So I might stress over silly things like the changing composition of my softball team, but I know who I am- and somehow that makes everything better. I'm God's girl. Yes, yes, cliched. But it's true.

    There are other funny things about seasons turning, and one is that new smells, familiar sights that had been dormant, habits that are put to rest with the veil of winter, as they return they carry back very distinct but also quite random and seemingly inconsequential memories- walking down a certain road, sitting by a river, mowing a lawn in a summer job, a certain one minute segment of a roadtrip past rocky crags and peaks.

    I had my last all-nighter of the school year last night, and it took quite a toll on my body. Head swimming, body swaying, feeling like I'm about to pass out or throw up- I don't suppose that's a normal response to studying is it? It's new to me, anyway. But now that it's over and my roomate is ever so sweetly and sternly ordering me to take a nap, I've acquired a burst of energy with which I have reorganized my filing cabinet, filed a large pile of papers, reorganized my bookshelf, swept my living room floor, played a bit of catch, walked to the comic book store, and will continue (hopefully) to sketch something creative, organize and clean my room a bit better, and move on to some other entertaining and productive household project. Cleaning, for me as well as Allan apparently, is a traditional school's-over victory activity. I have a bit of a superwoman feeling come over me when summer comes to free me from academia- I feel like I can take on anything in life! Summer is the time that I convince myself I'm going to become a hobby photojournalist, a skilled painter, a mountineer, a triathlete, a woodworker, a gardener, and of course an astronaut.

    More realistically I'll become the unofficial cheerleader of a church rec-league softball team, a poetry aficianado, and a movie connoiseur. Last year's project of reading a bunch of classic novels whilst outdoors was a good idea, but I think I only completed about 4 classics. I guess I find myself "too busy" despite the season.

    Other thoughts:
    -I find it easier to pray and devote myself to the word when it's summery out. Strange.
    -I become giddy and easily entertained in these warmer months!
    -everything lifts when the heavy cloak of winter is thrown off

    Me Right NOW:
    -song lyric I'm listening to: Matt Mays and El Torpedo- What are we gonna do come the month of September?
    -favourite word at this moment: hullabaloo
    -should: add more to my webpage
    -really wanna: get a new camera or go get some of my current pics printed off all prettily.
    -craving: McDonald's cheeseburger, oddly.
    16:37 | 添加评论 | 阅读评论 (4) | 固定链接 | 写入日志
    4月10日

    Balancing Act

    Alright- It's been a long time since I've entered a decent entry into my blog, and well, today's blog isn't going to correct that, because I have much that needs to be done in the next few days. However I will say that it's difficult for me as a person not to slide to extremes in so much in my life, and I'm experiencing the difficulty of trying to achieve balance and homeostasis in my life. So I continue to deal with consequences of that.
    -= thanking God that he understands my inability to balance, and he reaches out his arm to stabilize me on this tight rope =-
    18:03 | 添加评论 | 阅读评论 (1) | 固定链接 | 写入日志