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2月24日 To Know and be KnownFound this in my journal a while back: It's funny, but sometimes I think I desperately fear honesty: honest feedback from friends, an honest interpretation of a command in Scripture, an honest assessment of what days lie ahead. I like to ignore situations, residual habits, willful sin, and think that the absence of criticism in these regards must mean that I am doing okay. If no one tells me that I am doing ___ wrong, maybe it's just not so bad. And then I can work on changing it before it becomes something I really need to work on, before it is something so bad that people take notice and begin to talk . . . it's as if I have some backward philosophy impressed upon my heart: if I'm not being reproached, I am living the life of a good Christian girl. Obviously this was not the message my heart was intended to get. Though I normally find the sayings on the board outside my church to be cheesy at best, the current message is "character is what you are in the dark." Well, humans don't have the best night-vision, and what I am in the dark is largely an unknown to any of my brothers or sisters in Christ. One cannot reproach me for something they have no idea I'm doing. So it really doesn't follow that one who is not being chastised is living a good and upright life. Appearances are far less than everything- God looks beyond appearances and it is he that I should be concerned with glorifying.. .. .. Moreover, God is truth. He wants me to be open, to be truthful, honest with him. Perfection has never been a prerequisite for his love and changing power. Openness and a recognition of my broken and helpless state has always been a prerequisite for change. Funny how often I will swing that around in my mind. "I can't be this helpless, broken person. I must be good. How could God ever use me if I am not good?" Additionally, why has correction from other people been something that I fear horribly? Why do I desire for there to be elephants in my midst, ignored and by no means growing smaller in the silence and passing time? I should covet that kind of input from people I love and respect. Transparency also allows for accountability and encouragement. I need to be, then, honest with God (to allow change), honest with my fellow Christians (to facilitate accountability in change), and lastly: honest with me. I have this incredible ability to deceive myself. If I know I will have difficulty adhering to something I have read, or have been told, or know within myself that I must do or follow, I suppress that from coming to my conscious mind and try not to think about it lest I feel convicted. How backward is that? In the Bible, I believe it is James who speaks of reading the word and not acting on it as looking in a mirror and walking away and immediately forgetting what you look like. I discover a piece of broccoli in my teeth, and instead of removing it, I decide to think of it as non-existent. To push back the thought of seeing broccoli in my teeth so that the broccoli doesn't bother me anymore. The problem never really went away. I had the tools to address it. But I, time and again, choose to leave the tools unused and continue on, green-teeth and all, pretending that my ignorance excuses my problems. Read today: Henri Nouwen "In the Name of Jesus" Listening to: Waking Ashland - "All Hands on Deck" Craving: Sausage. Could have something to do with the fact that Hayley is cooking some as I speak. Needing: More of this reading/reflecting stuff. The best thing for me on a low self-esteem day. Looking forward to: Helping Hayley with her Sunday School Mission Impossible stuff tonight. 2月4日 Table TalkSo I find that a lot of my energy is spent on school, and that little bit of free time that I get is spent with Jeremy, talking with my family on the phone, and taking care of the small unignorable realities of life (bills, cleaning, eating, showering, reading, sleeping). This is why I love nights like tonight. Dennys. 5 friends and me, overly large meals, and talk of all things pertaining to the faith that we profess and the life that we live. Getting to know people's hearts, what's real to them, what's important and lasting. Really getting to see what's there, instead of what's stuck within the weekday time frame (Who are you? A student. No, who are you? Oh, a nursing student. NO, who ARE you? Oh, hi. I'm Jill.). Kitchen Table. 3 friends. Talk of growing up, of children, songs, self-perception and inhibitions. I love table talk. What happens on weekends- when time is not an enemy to relationship. I think sometimes I forget how much I love people beyond just myself. I don't mean this to sound deep or impactful, as I'm not so sure that it is. All I know is that getting to talk about passionate life is like breathing a little differently and I like it. I'm very happy to have sacrificed a few hours of sleep tonight. |
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