Windows LiveWindows Live™
 
 
JiLL Lee-ann 的个人资料.:.Intrication.:.照片日志列表更多 工具 帮助

日志
    10月26日

    Terrifying White

    I have a slight fear of creating anything.

    Blank pages, whether they be in a journal, a sketchbook, or an online blog, present something terrifying (but desirable) to me. The first scratches of graphite onto a page bound to my sketchbook are very hesitant, and this because I intrinsically doubt my ability to create something of worth. Anything that I create and submit to the public eye is an avenue for criticism. Not that I fear criticism. Actually, I don't think a comment on where I could improve myself would be all that unwelcomed. What I fear more than that is being someone who speaks words that do not elicit a response.

    I don't like the idea of being unimpactful. If I draw something, I would like my abilities to be worthy of comment, and if not my talents, at least the subject which I chose to objectify and encapsulate in a sketch. If I share musings or the tormented process of some stretching mental activity, I would rather hear opposition or echoed sentiment than an echoing silence.

    I took a sketchbook with me today, very excited about the prospect of being able to create something my own again. I haven't done this for some time. However it is the end of the day and I haven't been able to put anything to paper. I hope to remedy this soon. I think I need to be a bit easier on myself and just make something. Anything. And really be okay with it being terrible. I shouldn't feel the need to explain away imperfection, because I'm not perfect and I can't expect to grow as an artist without being stretched. I need to do more than stare into the whiteness and get locked into some bizarre snow-blinded trance.

    A challenge I could, should, and I think will present to myself is this: no destruction of art. If i draw something in the sketchbook, there will be no ripping out of pages. There will be no apologizing or dancing around bad drawings. There will be no verbal defense against compliments (down-playing what is done well). I did this a while back with my poetry; the "notepad" program on my computer (you know, that little word processor that no one uses because it has no features) now has over 200 poems saved in its folder. Some of it is horrid, and some I'm actually quite partial to. when I first started typing out what I thought, I would delete a work the minute it was completed. I decided some time ago that I would stop allowing this- I have a no-deletion rule with myself and I'm glad for it now. I can trace my ideas, my frivolousness, my epiphanies back as far as my little .txt files will take me. I can see growth, emotion, ranting. Honesty- a good mirror into me.

    And really, why am I so proud and self-seeking that I feel a need to be continually seen as profound? My personal growth with God should be evident in how I live out my life and relate to people. If what I type up on the world wide web seems a bit irrelevant or uninteresting, I've harmed no one. At worst I've wasted maybe 3 minutes of a person's time, and they won't visit my blog again. I like to organize my thoughts. I like to be silly. I like to think up serious answers to ridiculous questions that nobody by myself would ever bother to ask.

    Hopefully though, when I'm done getting over my fear of blank pages (hoping its not a crippling fear this week- I'm sharing some of my poetry at C&C for the Worship Cafe) I can turn away from my little project and take note of the beautiful things that others are creating, intentionally or inadvertently. I think that art is only really relevant when it is created with a context broader than the insular mind of the artist. Interaction can be blissful or painful, but we're only really interesting when we're interested in others, I believe. Life is artful.

    Beautiful thing recently: A friend teaching me to stop hating grey days and go jump in a puddle.
    other irrational fear: watching the minutes change on a digital alarm clock.
    thoughts in my jumbled mind: Mirrors feed self-centric attitudes but also provide valuable information pertaining to necessary change. I want to be relevant in society. Books are good. Blank pages are opportunity. This is also good. I need to do my laundry.
    discovery: I have an interesting new physiological response to stress/panic. I don't like it.
    currently: lying on my bedspread (which is brown with white polka-dots), loving that it's 1:18 am and I'm not crying for sleep.
    0:23 | 添加评论 | 固定链接 | 写入日志
    10月17日

    (very) brief thought

    You know what? I often just forget that I need Jesus. It's common, but it's terrible. I want to be reminded often, but at the same time I'd rather just remain ignorant- because the reminder often takes the form of my sin being flung in my face. To know my need for Jesus often takes getting to know myself; that's something that can be so unpleasant.

    The hardest prayer for me to pray, but the most rewarding, has always been for God to reveal "any unright way within me." But because it is perpetually true that I need Jesus, I want that truth to be perpetually before me, and I want my salvation from my sin to be always a joyful thing.

    I hate to see people shrouded with this unshakeable shame over who they are, their secret selves... how easy it is to just get trapped there. Ugh.

    Maybe I'll expand some other time, but I need to finish assignments and sleep because the morning brings another 12 hr shift in hospital.

     

    ::js::

    20:05 | 添加评论 | 固定链接 | 写入日志
    10月5日

    Finally- the unmotivation needed to blog

    My lack of motivation to complete a relatively simple assignment has compelled me to make a listing of  A) my current status (haven't been doing that lately-- Jer's space reminded me of that old practice. I'd like to pick it up again) and B) my current string of thoughts. Feel free to comment on any of the items be they comment-worthy.
     
    • Msn needs to have trebuchet as a font style for the spaces. It's my favourite font that is generally accepted by professors.
    • Water is good. Eating a lot of timbits can be very bad.
    • I like walk/run/jogging and not feeling guilty for walking more than I jog/run. If I keep active and enjoy it, who's to say what I am doing is insufficient?
    • Hepatitis B immunizations are fun- does that make me a bad or sadistic person?
    • Fear with anticipation is often greater than that which is anticipated to be unpleasant. Like, for instance, needles.
    • Doctors don't need to write with the handwriting they do. At least not when they expect their handwriting to be transcribed.
    • "Aℓℓαη Zίεglεr says:

      no I think your right. blogging doesn't take motivation, it takes unmotivation to do anything else, or procrastination, which I think is a form of unmotivation"

    • I want a de-skunked skunk or a domesticated squirrel.

    • Nothing puts into perspective my petty gripes and complaints like watching a mother love and care for a daughter who is almost completely unresponsive (do to the actions of another), surrounded by moms with healthy bouncing babies. Especially when that mom is genuinely concerned with the fears, wants, and needs of those other moms, without any bitterness about their babies being healthy and "normal."

    • Fall is the best season, and it's better when it is called autumn.

    • HAPPY 5 MONTHS, JER!

    • I'd love to buy a newer camera with more than 2.0 megapixels!!

    • I find this funny: "In the game The Secret of Monkey Island, an actual red herring is obtained and later used in a puzzle, where a troll guarding a bridge demands an item in order to pass. The hint he gives is that he wants an item that attracts attention, but has no actual use, thereby providing an in-joke about the red herring, as well as effectively negating the red herring's use as a red herring, as it is actually necessary in order to progress."

    • My eyes hurt. I should sleep

    • Kevin and Ewa are married! What a gorgeous wedding. And now they are in Costa Rica!

    • I had a ~ 40 minute conversation with an elderly neighbor today from making the comment that her tree-pruning "looks like hard work, but you picked a lovely day to do it!" I think she was lonely. It was a really fun conversation, actually... I love it when I'm given opportunites to just listen, care. . .

    • I dislike when non-believers are treated like projects, numbers, etc. and with that people would just care for people not as just  potential converts but as people whom God loves and cares about and wants us to love and care for. That involves *actually* listening, and not just fishing for evangelical opportunities. Of course, if they come, take them! It's a wonderful thing to share your knowledge of Christ. But making a primary goal to just love other people- that's okay, too! Be prepared to give an answer for the hope that you have within you, and be prepared to just act in love and be okay if you didn't "water" or "harvest" anything.

    • Bus drivers are interesting people.

    • Flickr & Wikipedia = new favourite time-wasters.

    • Currently:

    Listening- to somebody bumbling around in the kitchen. I'm guessing Hayley but I can't be sure. Too tired to go out and check who it is.

    Aiming- to pick up my pencils and sketchbook again this weekend

    Avoiding- very very simple assignment that I really do not feel like completing. I should go do that now. . .

    Reading- Hebrews

    23:10 | 添加评论 | 阅读评论 (2) | 固定链接 | 写入日志